Sobriety and Happiness

I’ve been sober for 10 months. Today I don’t feel proud, I don’t feel clean and I don’t feel healthy. I feel shitty. I feel agitated. I’m also 6 days without a cigarette. Why would I do such horrible things to myself you may wonder? So I can be healthy? Because health brings happiness or so “they” say. I haven’t found happiness in sobriety or lifestyle changes. In fact I haven’t found at the bottom of a bottle be it liquor or pills either….maybe I didn’t look hard enough? Happiness is an abstract, hard to grasp, sort of “above my head” concept much the same way sobriety was. Happiness is bullshit. My best is to feel a contentment or a moment of satisfaction. Small fleeting moments that I’m desperately clinging to to make it through each day. Sucking down Odoul’s as an attempt to feel more like myself. Who is this person? Who have I become? I’ve made so many “positive” changes but I have become a stranger to myself. No longer the romantic in love with the night. My charm has tarnished and faded, I’m a ghostly apparition of myself, feeling translucent to the world I was once on top of. Is this the person I wanted to be? Is it even in my control? Does it even matter?