Our State Fair

Visited our glorious state fair. If it weren’t for the food there’d be no point. It just so happens it was a record breaking day. Hundreds of thousands of people standing too close to each other in lines for deliciously overpriced fatty foods. People have no fucking concept of personal space. I should be able to reach inside my purse or pull the side of my shirt down with out bumping into you. There’s no need to stand on top of me. Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t touch my tattoos no matter how beautiful you think they/I am. Personal bubbles are very real and should be respected unless you want to possibly get “accidentally” elbowed in the face. Moving along to address some other things, caked on makeup and high heels have no place at the dayside of the fair. It’s hot, the sub is shining and your face is LITERALLY melting off. You’ve had some cocktails and those heels are sinking into the grass and mud, you have shit planning skills. All I can do is watch with my unintentional look of disgust, no really I have a terrible time controlling my facial expressions which I blame my “Resting bitch face” on. So I don’t do crowds. Fuck the fair, next year I’ll go on one of the rainy days.

Sobriety and Happiness

I’ve been sober for 10 months. Today I don’t feel proud, I don’t feel clean and I don’t feel healthy. I feel shitty. I feel agitated. I’m also 6 days without a cigarette. Why would I do such horrible things to myself you may wonder? So I can be healthy? Because health brings happiness or so “they” say. I haven’t found happiness in sobriety or lifestyle changes. In fact I haven’t found at the bottom of a bottle be it liquor or pills either….maybe I didn’t look hard enough? Happiness is an abstract, hard to grasp, sort of “above my head” concept much the same way sobriety was. Happiness is bullshit. My best is to feel a contentment or a moment of satisfaction. Small fleeting moments that I’m desperately clinging to to make it through each day. Sucking down Odoul’s as an attempt to feel more like myself. Who is this person? Who have I become? I’ve made so many “positive” changes but I have become a stranger to myself. No longer the romantic in love with the night. My charm has tarnished and faded, I’m a ghostly apparition of myself, feeling translucent to the world I was once on top of. Is this the person I wanted to be? Is it even in my control? Does it even matter?